Update and a couple of poems

Well things aren't too great right now. My mood has dipped. I am frustrated. I just want to be alone. My motivation isn't too great much of the time either. Then I'm just more frustrated. I had hoped that come January I would be feeling better, but this has just dragged on and we aren't too far off February. Hopefully soon a positive change will come.

At least I have my painting, that thankfully I am still enjoying. I am in the middle of one at the minute.

But for now I will post a couple of poems that I wrote back in May 2011. That was a time of great confusion, very early on in mental health treatment. The poems I have chosen express how I felt at the time. They are on a similar theme so it made sense to post them together.

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Hologram (8/5/2011)

I am an hologram.
I no longer exist,
Simply made of light,
Only there for him to project his thoughts onto.
I don't know why he did this to me.
What is this 'me' anyway?
I know who I used to be
Before I was taken over by him.

I am rebuilding myself -
Rebuilding the truth, who I always was.
Blocking out the endless mind control,
Who'd have thought
It could be medicated out of existence?
He tried so much to take over me,
But no more will I allow him to succeed.
I am not an hologram.

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Searching (11/5/2011)

The muddled mess I'm in...
Confusion never goes away.
When will I ever find the truth?
Constant worry,
Fearing what is next.
I can see in the distance
A better future -
A world without conspiracy
Or persecution.
But is it real?
How can a drug induced feeling be real?
Losing the plot,
In search of a better world.
How will I ever know?

Muddled

Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 16" x 20".

This is actually a self portrait, but with a difference. I can't remember for certain what I was so confused about, but I can imagine that it was either what was what following the insomnia induced worsening of my psychosis in 2009 or it was the way I didn't feel a part of this world. Or maybe a mixture of both?

Confusion is a feeling that particularly gets to me. Even though I feel the most confusion when on the way out of a bad episode. The time of feeling most confused was when I first went on the medication I take, but eventually after about 6 months things started to seem clearer. Little things, especially numbers and maths, can still get me feeling confused. But thankfully I am no longer feeling so confused about the world around me. So at least that is progress.